Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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