My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
