I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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