My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
