Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
