I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
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We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
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The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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