Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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