please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
