you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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