paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
