She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
