I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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