i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
