life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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