As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
