my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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