Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
