So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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