New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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