the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
