my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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