I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
