she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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