I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
