dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
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making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
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I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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