I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
