Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
