I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
