Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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