when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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