I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
