Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
