You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
