youre lurking in front of me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
