It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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