Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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