Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
