Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
