Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
