I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
