can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
