I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
