I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
