my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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