dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have aggressive nipples.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
