yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We got so high we made milksteak
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
