Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
