in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize