I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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