All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
