please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize