Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
