I think I died a long time ago.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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