the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
